Son of a motherless goat

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how I really just want to beat my head up against a wall.......maybe it would knock some sense into me....



How much more plain can I make it to myself that these things ARE going to kill me!!! What the hell its not like i am in denial about what they do!!

I know whats in them, I know what the ingredients are used for other than smokes......

So why am I on this self destructive path????? I have no I idea!!!

That's off my chest I feel alittle better..........

I am NOT ok with quitting.......

(nothing like writing about my inner turmoil you should hear the arguments in my head)

Just admited I am crazy.......Thats all good......

Been in over drive the past few weeks! My brother David came down from NY one weekend, had a blast!! Kids love him!! Some high school friends stopped down on their way home to Florida...... Amazing how fast time flies!!! It had been years, but then you get talking and its like old times again!!!! Still wish I could have made it to the drama club reunion.... I will go the next time!!! Then I have been sick for a week...........high fever and body aches........yeah!!! It was great!!! I have this permanent dent in my couch of my ass........not to mention a house that looks like a tornado has run through it....... as usual the invisible kid did it all....



Lets get back to my battle with those little white bastards that continue their presence in my life. I still have smoking days and non smoking days........... I justify my smoking days by telling myself "anythings ok in moderation"............Pretty sad!!! I know..... Like when you want that entire cheese cake, not just that 1/8 of it.............(FYI made a cheese cake where there are only 28 carbs in the entire thing......)



I am not ok with stopping smoking.....I really am not! Its the one constant that has been in my life for over 15 years. The one thing that I could rely on in my darkest hours..........Amazing how this little carcinogen can release that dopamine to make me feel so damn good!!

I Just get so frustrated on the days that they win the battles, I DESPISE FAILURE in everything I do! I have to remember that the WAR with them is not over!

Mom has started her chemo therapy and she has her good feeling days and bad feeling days...... This week she starts radiation therapy on her head........... God Bless her!!! She is still working and taking everything in stride....... Still working as well...I would give anything to be more like her.

I keep telling myself to do this for her, for my children, for Michael..........I know I need to do it for myself....

I am going to talk to the doc and see what I can try again!!! To help me through this.... I just need to be free of this.......


I am NOT ok with quitting smoking....and I am not to proud to ask for help......

Today was a smoking day

I am not ok with my actions Today, I did smoke.
I had a few good days then I became weak....
Self control.......I know i have it......
If I can lose over 130 and keep it off for over 10 years, I can beat this!
Baby steps....... baby steps.........
Just take it one day at a time.....

So beat me with a wet noodle!!

Lets seee, hmmmm, ah-hem...
I am still quitting
I am still ok with quitting

Today as I cleaned out the vehicle......I do that when I have to go on base.To drop Queen Margaret (other wise known as Moo, and Maggie, she's 5) off to My most amazing friend Crystal, who so graciously agreed to watch her Royal hind ass for me while I had to endour the torment of a hysteroscopy today.

Back to cleaning out vehicle....... Papers, Capri sun containers, empty smokes boxes, customs forms, receipts, toys (kid toys).......I happen upon a box of Nasty White Sticks.......Ohhhh, there were four in there, my mouth watered, my eyes lit up like a nuclear blast.....WOO HOO!!!

I threw them into the plastic bag with all the other papers and junk....
Took the bag to the garage.

Yeah, good girl up to this point.., right........
Bam, My ass caved! Went right to that bag and pulled out those smokes, ran to the back bathroom closed the door, opened that window and sucked down a marb med 100 in under 2 min.......I felt Great, the gentle flow of the smoke into my lungs, the instant release of dopamine to the brain ahhhhhhh.. comforting, like a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup on chilly night....

Then the overwhelming sense of guilt set in...
Yes! I fucked up, I admit it, I was a bad, naughty girl... wheres the whip when you need it?
It was one, the other 3 are in my medicine cabinet......
Talk about not wanting to let go!

Now that I have confessed my sin of the day, I still don't feel any better. I can sit here and beat myself up all I want but that won't change a thing....
Tomorrow is another day! FRIDAY!!
I am only human (thats not actually accurate, I am half alien, from my father's side.)


So yes I smoked today
Yes I am still Quitting
I am sooo NOT ok with quitting........

the "butterball" threat

Today wasn't as good as yesterday...

Shit happens.....

Still not smoking....



Being a former obese individual, the "butterball" threat is forefront in my mind...... Just the thought of seeing that scale slowly creep upward terrifies me.........

125, 130, 135, 140, 145, 150, 155, 160, 165................shuddering at the thought!!!



Ideally, no weight gain would be perfect, but I know myself.



I know I will need something to satisfy the oral fixation.. (with Michael in Afghanistan, my first choice is obviously not available). So it looks like i will be guzzling water as the short term replacement.

Luckily, last week I decided on no more junk food in the house, so if i do chose to engage in a massive eating frenzy, I will be stuck with carrots, celery, apples, oranges, and cucumbers.



Nuts do sound appealing right now.



Being round again is not an idea that I find remotely amusing. I like my size 8's........not want to see 28w ever again!!!!! Then again they do have a better selection of clothing for rounder individuals than they did 10 years ago...



When I shocked Michael with the news of not smoking yesterday( "HOLY SHIT"), I told him of the possibility of the weight gain.....and he replied with " I will be at your side through anything and everything baby" He's to good to me.....



I'm still ok with not smoking...

I do miss my little stick friends, they seem to always be there when you need them, they don't judge you, they calm you in your time of crisis.......but alas no longer for me......

Why I need to quit smoking....

For those of you know me, you know I am a smoker, have been since the age of 15 ( shhhh I'm 33). I have "practiced" quiting several times with every method available. My success rate obviously is not the greatest. Nine months was the longest 1n 2007, Thank you chantix!! ( I should mention that chantix worked to well, not only did i lose the desire to smoke, but every thing else i enjoyed as well; work, sleep, sex, and sex.......).

What has brought me to this decision to make this the final "quit" is a rather selfish decision. A decision made from the fear of the reality that inevitably it will kill me, and in all honesty, i really don't want to die anytime soon.

Let me give you some history......My Grandma, Ruth Nolte, passed away from cancer on the 23rd of June 1997 from cancer,in her 60's. She is an amazing woman! She is Saint. I have so many wonderful memories of her, my favorite is when she met her first great grand child, my oldest son, Devon, who is thirteen. I remember seeing the joy in her eyes when she held him, she had a sling on her arm, from where she had broken it, that's how the cancer was discovered. Devon was 10 months old, and she was going to hold him without help, no matter what. I can vividly recall her telling me in her own sweet way " JESUS CHRIST Heather, I have 6 kids and several grand children, I can hold him" That would be the only time she met him. A few months later she passed away......... I do miss her terribly......

My mom, who is also a SAINT!!! ( That saint gene passed me up...) Had her first diognosis of lung cancer came in 2003, roughly late 40's ( actually she was 50 but I thought the 40 thing would make her feel good) With that diognosis the docs fillet her, cut her open her from the back, took out a good chunk of her right lung, a few ribs, and her inner chest wall, that was replaced with a mesh to "act" as support...... Well That being all well and good...right...ha..

guess what decided to rear its ugly head a few years later....one of those "oh shit moments".

It was again the right lung......Wedge resection.........not like there is much to resect...thats done...oh now what... Left lung........FUCK................I believe that was a resection as well, mom can correct me if im wrong.........Thankfully it was a small section...... That surgery just about killed her...........Hospital aquired MRSA.........NICE!!!!!! (hospital change)

ATTETION ALL HEATH CARE PROVIDERS - REMEMBER INFECTION CONTROL...

( before any of you health care professional out there get pissed, I am a Nurse, so I know both sides......hahahahahahahahahahaha...)

That was the left lung, right???? Lets go back to the right....Its back....GOD DAMN IT, can my mom even remotly catch a break?... Hell no....... That being end of 2009... Radiation...... 2 round of it......... 2010........ got the big nasty tumor, just little ones left to deatroy....Yeah......Short lived..... scan of the head and neck............ well needless to say mom stats Chemo soon...

Just as after her surgries and through the radiation she will continue to work!!!!! MY MOM IS MY HERO!!!!! I LOVE YOU MOM!!

"Geneticaly, I'm next in line"........Bull Shit....... I know I should have quit a long time ago...

Now all that being said, you thinking, DAH quit smoking...............Yeah...... Im working on it......... I have just gone my first 24 hours..... without smoking and I am OK with that...........